These past two weeks have been busy. My husband has has a bisopy to see if his cancr has spread and my forth grandchild has been born. A little girl leah weighing 5lb 6ozs. So tiny.

Ethan my beautiful grandson is back from florida and in school, loving it and doing well.

Me I am looking forward to the halloween break so that i can get a rest. I am so tired trying to do and cope with everything.

I have booked my robe for graduation. I did not think that i would be able to make it but so far so good. Flights booked,robe ordered and tickets paid for. All i have to do is to book a hotel.

My grandson has been taken to Disney world Flordia by make a wish foundation. he is staying in a complex called kids world and is having the time of his life. he rings me every night telling me all about his days adventures.

Every thing for him is catered for.Food drinks,passes to Disney land,great universal and wet and wild.They had christmas in the village on thursday night,with fake snow,evles,santa and mrs santa.He loved it. He told me that he missed me so much as i do him, I have never been asway from him for more than a day and it has now been 5 days. It seems so long. He told me that he got a fake tattoo like his daddys, he was so pleased with that. To day he is going to do swimming with the dolphins.

Isnt it wonderful what organisations can do for children with terminal illnesses and their families. To give them a holiday that they will always remember and to cater for every need of the children. I am so pleased for them especially Ethan as he has been through so much this past 10 months,never complaining,always smiling. He really does deserve this fantastic holiday.

He is coming home on Wednesday and I cant wait to give him a huge hug and kiss. I do miss my angel so so much.

My friend asked me if I would give her a hand with painting her living room and front door as I do all my own decorating.

She had tried scraping the door and we ended up buying a heat gun.Great job,the a mouse sander,then undercoat and so on. Not that I would say that my friend is idsorgainised but you would think we have shares in B&Q ,we were in it so often.

Painting was going so well but last Friday when I was giving the front door a second undercoat, i decided to stand on a plastic stool. A leg broke,sending me flying,smacking my head on her tiled floor. My upper arm hit the tin of paint but didnt spill.

My poor friend was so worried that she wanted to take me to hospitial but I was having none of that.

I have been in pain with my back and neck for the last few days but to day I am feeling better and I am off to paint again to morrow.

Towowomen and paints brushes,what a hoot.

One of my friends from work, a girl that I trained for her job, has had a bad time.

He father died last week.He was only 59,just 4 years older than my husband.

I went to see her and as much as she was putting on a brave face to be strong for her mother, I could see that it was taking a toll on her. I rang her last night for a chat and the poor girl was in tears. Dead is so final,losing a father such a terrible burden to bear,and the is very little that any one can say to help ease that pain.I told her to think about the good times,the things about her father that makes her smile and to revisit those thoughts often. Not to dwell on his passing but to celebrate quietly to herself his life,what her did for her and his love for her.

I do hope that she can take something out of my words and get some comfort from them.

I think I was put on this earth to be a born worrier.

I find it difficult to let go of what is on my mind,even for a few miutes. I worry about my sons,their children, my friends and my husband. I keep these worries to myself and that then leaves with the inability to really enjoy what is going on around me.

When i let Ethan play in my garden, I worry in case he will fall against my hedge and hurt his good eye so every day I go round  and clip off any little branches that i think might hurt him. When we are out together I bar all people around him in case one of them bang into him. When he stays with me on a saturday night I spend most of the night awake,watching him sleep.

When my other 2 grandchildren are with my,I am so careful what I give them to eat and when I give baby Alex his bottle, I have the back rubbed off him to make sure that I get up his wind.

This over carefullness with my grandchildren is taking the joy out of spending time with them, I know that but fear of them getting hurt, keeps me in uptight mode.

This worry then transfers to my husband and I get cross with him when he wont take his inhalers when he needs them, wont eat what i know he needs to eat. He worries that he is not able to do much so when he wants to do something,I do half of the job to take the pressure of him. Not a great way to do things but he is not the strong man that he once was.

I read a book a long time ago,a strange book. It talks about casting off all wordly worries,to leave all loved ones behind and to journey into a new life.

Who could do that ? To walk away from all loved ones and never look back or think about them again,just to achieve oneness with mother earth. Not me!

What a great day we had to day. We went to McDonalds,then to see transformers at the cinema. It was 21/2 hrs long and Ethan was so good. he never moved,he really enjoyed the film,as I did.

Oh well the ironing awaits.

To-day for the first time I am taking Ethan to the cinema. We are going to see transformers,which he cant wait to see.

I have been looking forward to to-day all week.he has been to the cinemaefore he became ill but to day will be the first time that he will go with me.

Life seems so much better to day because we are doing something normal, something a granny would do as part of "granny things to do".

My hubby Alex seems a little better to day,he had a good night. Andy will have him for the afternoon in his house watching football,while i am out with Ethan. Then i will not have to qorry about him,for a few hours at least.

My heart goes out to all those people in England who are suffering so much from the floods these past few weeks. It must be heart breaking for them to see their homes destroyed but at least so far no one has lost their life and I hope no one will.

It is so hard to believe that this weather is happening here at home and there seems to be no way to stop these floods that is causing so much damage.I will remember all in my prayers.

To day i am taking Ethan to the zoo. It has been so long since he has been allowed outside with lots of people and other children because of his immune system.

But to day we are going to belfast Zoo and we both are so excited.

We talked about all the different animals that we would see and what toys we will buy in the gift shop.

I have packed a picnic bag with his fav snacks and we will go to Mc Donalds on the way home,after all it is his favoutire place to eat and to day is all about him.

I have been reflecting on the past few months,and although what my grandson has gone through has and still does give me nightmares, I can only stand back and admire his courage. Throughout all of what he has been through,5 operations,being knocked out another 5 different times for tests and so on and going through a full course of chemo,being hosptilized because he had no newts,probably wrong spelling but it means that he has no resistance at all to germs,he never never complaimed. He was stuck with needles,threw up lost his eye and his hair and all he wanted to do was to stay with me ,play games and go back to school.

 Does that not show us just what wonderful creations children are? How they can show us they way to accept set backs,illness and just get on with life. If the was an award for ------- and i cant find the words to describe what i am trying to say,bravery,courage,just does not fully describe it,being me,i would say perfection,then it should go to my star,Ethan.

On the other hand my other 2 grand children are coming on so well. Anneliese will be 2 on the 6/9,and she is so strong willed and such a wee darling,she is small in size but has a huge personality,who loves he big cousion Ethan and follows him about with hero worship.. It is so good to see the 2 of them playing together. He little brother baby Alec is now 5 months old and a charmer. My son has had the 2 of them tested for reteniblastoma and they are clear.That is such a relief.

My husband does adore his grandchildren and they come to see him every day. I can see a change come over him when they are here with us,as if he gathers so much strength to play with them. When they go home he does be so tired and in so much pain. They do keep him going and his spirits up.

I have been trying to build on my reserves of my spirit to prepare me for the worst, in the case of my husband. I worry about our boys if anything happens to him,so i need to be so strong for them.

Life is indeed a rollercoaster -my grandson now so full of life- my husband seemingly having the life drained away from him.

Just how do you celebrate one's renewed life while watching a loved one shrink in front of your eyes. Me, i smile,and pray.